Happy Birthday Wesley

▶ today's drink: seltzer water
▶ listening to: Ecstasy by Strawberry Switchblade

Today is October 10th and I'm now 30 years old! About 7 or 8 years ago when I was really in the throes of depression, I went to an astrologer and had my natal chart read for the first time. She basically said I was aging backwards, and that the best years of my life where I'd feel most stable and like myself would be at and after age 30. Later I found out it's because all of my major planets are in fall, meaning they are not in the signs they want to be in. She also totally clocked my mother issues.

Hopefully this last year has basically been cleaning everything up to make way for the good shit coming. I genuinely think they have. Last year I quit my abusive job and I've spent the last nine months adapting to a new one that, while significantly more rewarding, is also much more exhausting. I am also officially blue-collar and low-income now, as opposed to medium-low income before.

My dog Milo passed away this summer. He was 13 1/2 (actually to the day), but it was still pretty unexpected. His kidneys failed in the span of three weeks, from "he's in very early renal deterioration, switch him to this food" to literally not being able to absorb fluids. We'd actually adopted a puppy a few months before because we wanted Milo to be able to pass on some of his knowledge, so to speak. The new puppy is now 7 months old, his name is Berry and he's a lot more active than Milo even at his peak. I'm glad they got to meet each other but it has been hard having to keep up with a teenage dog while also grieving. Milo's death has hit me pretty hard, honestly. I definitely let a lot of things fall by the wayside, zine stuff most of all. I didn't even check anything besides my work email until yesterday. I have a lot of catching up to do now and I think the only reason I'm wanting to now is because it's my birthday.

It's been a bit of a struggle managing my labor, income, and energy. I've had to give some things up for a while because I can't really afford them anymore in one way or another, and the first things to go have been my creative and zine practices. There are some parts I'm not sure if I'll really be able to do at all anymore, like distroing. Other things, like at least making my own zines, I'm now trying desperately to continue in one way or another.

I'm torn because I really love a lot of things happening in my life right now, but I'm worried I will always be just short of some resource to be able to do everything I want to.

All that said, I know my dad would be proud of me. My former middle name, Joy (I took James in honor of my dad when I transitioned), was in honor of my aunt who committed suicide at age 34. Growing up my dad would comment that he saw a lot of her in me, specifically in the blend of arts and academics. He probably also saw her depression in me too, and he always told me that if I woke up one day and I didn't feel better than I had the night before, I should tell him right away. I think he'd be proud of how I've spent so much of my life so far persevering. Things are a lot better now than they were when I was a teenager.

I might as well share my birthday wishes here as well.
I wish to have the resources (time, income, energy, health, and whatever else I may need) to continue making and sharing art, zines, and thought.
I wish for confidence in knowing that sharing on its own is still participation in community, even if I can't always communicate directly with people for any reason.
I wish for inspiration and capacity to align regularly.
And I wish for my very own pair of Birkenstocks.